Adult Ministries

Conflict Resolution: Can't we all just get along?

Apr 17, 2008 by Rick Barnes

During the four Sundays in May we will have a four-week series on Forgiveness in the First Call Singles Class on the Mesa Campus. We will look at God's forgiveness, forgiving ourselves, forgiving others and forgiving God. It will be taught by Ruth Mitchell, Anita Hensley, Linda Rinzel and Rick Barnes. Class starts at 8:15 in room 401. I hope that many of you can attend.

In preparation for that, I thought that I would share the following teaching on conflict resolution. If you have questions regarding this, please feel free to contact me. Also, please remember direct confrontation can sometimes make things worse, so pray for wisdom and get wise and private counsel if needed. May we love and forgive others as our Lord has loved and forgiven us. 


Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. (NIV)

You’re blessed when you show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, your place in God’s family. (The Message) Matthew 5:9

 

First: Glorify God in Whatever You Do

 

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.  

1 Corinthians 10:31

 

There are three basic responses to conflict: escape, attack and conciliation. We have a tendency to slip to becoming defensive or antagonistic. We enter quickly into Fight or Flight. We need to develop the ability to use the conciliation response that is best suited to resolving a particular conflict.

 

Conflicts will happen! The question is “How will we respond to them?” Will we become bitter or better? We are all different. We called to seek unity and not uniformity. We should rejoice in the diversity of God’s creation.

 

  • Conflict provides an opportunity to glorify God. It gives us a chance to love, respect and trust God.
  • Conflict gives us an opportunity to serve others. We can help them to bear their burdens or by confronting them in love.
  • Conflict is one of the ways in which we are conformed to the image of Christ. Through the grace of God, we can confess sin and turn from attitudes that promote conflict.

 

We are called to be faithful to God, merciful to others and to act justly (Micah 6:8). We must ask ourselves, “How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?”

 

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:8

 

Second: Get the Log out of Your Own Eye

 

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:3-5

 

·         Ask yourself whether you have had a critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict
(Philippians 4:2-9).

·         Ask an honest friend or advisor who will help you take an objective look at yourself and face up to your contribution to a conflict.

 

Third: Go and Show Your Brother His Fault

 

When you have something against someone:

 

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17

 

We should not be easily offended. Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them (Psalm 119:165 KJV). We must learn to overlook minor offenses. A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11).

 

When should we overlook an offense? As a general rule, an offense may be overlooked if you can answer “no" to some of the following questions:

  • Is the offense seriously dishonoring God?
  • Has it permanently damaged a relationship?
  • Is it seriously hurting other people?
  • Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?

If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, an offense may be too serious to overlook, in which case God instructs you to go and talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation. As you do so, remember to:

  • Pray for humility and wisdom.
  • Plan your words carefully (think of how you would want to be confronted). Use “I” statements.
  • Anticipate likely reactions and plan appropriate responses (rehearsals can be very helpful).
  • Choose the right time and place (talk in person whenever possible).
  • Assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove otherwise (Proverbs 11:27).
  • Listen carefully (Proverbs 18:13).
  • Speak only to build others up (Ephesians 4:29).
  • Ask for feedback from the other person.
  • Recognize your limits (only God can change people; Romans 12:18; 2 Timothy 2:24-26).

Fourth: Go and Be Reconciled

 

When someone has something against you:

 

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24

 

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:16).

 

When you identify ways that you have wronged another person, it is important to admit your wrongs honestly and thoroughly.

 

Seven A’s of Confession

  • Address everyone involved (Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:8-9)
  • Avoid if, but, and maybe (don't make excuses; Luke 15:11-24)
  • Admit specifically (both attitudes and actions)
  • Apologize (express sorrow for the way you affected someone)
  • Accept the consequences (Luke 19:1-9)
  • Alter your behavior (commit to changing harmful habits; Ephesians 4:22-32)
  • Ask for forgiveness

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Colossians 3:13).

 

Forgiveness:

 

  • Forgiveness is not a feeling. We forgive regardless of our feelings.
  • Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiving is an active process. We must consciously decide not to think or talk about what others have done to hurt us.
  • Forgiveness is not excusing. Excusing says, “That’s okay,” and implies, “What you did really wasn’t wrong,” or “You couldn’t help it.” Forgiveness says, “I (sometimes we) know that what you did was wrong and without excuse. But since God has forgiven me, I forgive you.”